Wednesday, February 13

A Morning Muse

It is Wednesday, February 13, 2013. The time is 3:59 AM. A thought returned to me just now. It was something my sweet daughter said to me on Sunday. It was raining outside and cold. We had planned to go to the Wellness Center together for a swim. Neither of us felt like going out in the rain. 

We chatted a while. She asked me what I had done on Saturday? I told her I spent most of the day in bed. She mentioned that she had tried to call me and had driven by my house. She said it looked like we were sleeping over here. We were.

Then she told me how warm and sunny it was outside on Saturday. She had wanted me to go with her to feed the donkeys at Oak Mountain State Park. She said there were beautiful blue birds in her yard. She loved that. She took her dog for a long walk at the park near her house. She said it was a really nice day.

As she was talking I felt tears well up inside. I realized that I had lost an entire day to my depression. A day I could have spent with my daughter. A day I could have enjoyed the outdoors. Instead, I wasted precious moments hiding and feeling sad.

Yesterday at work I realized that most of my patients know me by name. They ask me about my dogs. They ask if I have been to Florida lately? Some of them even know my voice on the phone before I say who I am. I like that. 

I've been here in Alabama for almost five years now. I found my first dollhouse at a garage sale here. That opened an entire new world for me. I found an outlet for my creativity. I found friends online. I have spent hours and hours engrossed in doing what I love and sharing that with you.

As I look around my work room today I see many things I would like to do. Instead, I've been led away be my compulsion to escape this nasty weather and return to the sunshine. For six weeks now I have been focusing on things I don't like and ways to get out of here. No wonder I'm depressed!

I am certain that I have a Seasonal Affective Disorder. Yes, there is a pill for that. They don't work. 

I have applied to many job opportunities in Florida and have had no replies. I have searched for houses to buy. I have spent these past weeks yearning for a new life. This morning I realize that I have everything I need right here. God has been so good to me. He has given me good health, a nice home and a great job.

I miss Florida. I miss the warm weather and sunshine. I miss the beach. In spite of that, I am going to try to stop focusing on the things I don't like and start appreciating what I have. I'm going to spend more time creating and less time worrying. If I am supposed to move, God will find a way for me. I need to relax and stop wasting my days longing for what I don't have.

I'm going to clean off my desk, make room for my projects and get back to work! I appreciate those who have stayed with my blog during this time of distraction. If you have read this post so far, I know you are a true friend. You have been my inspiration. I have learned some life lessons from you too.

Today is really only day I have. Tomorrow will take care of itself. 

1 comment:

Sandra said...

Kathi, what an inspirational post! It hasn't been easy for you to come to this realization and I am sorry I've been away from 'blogland' reading others' blogs while I've been absorbed in my own deadline so I didn't realize how depressed you've been. But God will truly show you the way back to Florida if that is the best for you. If not, there is something He needs you to do right where you are. I'm so happy for you that you've worked your way out of this funk - I know how hard that is - and can focus on the great things that we take for granted so often. Big hugs, Sandie